I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
