Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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