the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He felt like a one man threesome
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
