I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
