god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize