then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
