I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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