Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Randomize
