I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
