hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
