Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
