508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
