shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
