to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
