I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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