Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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