people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize