the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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