Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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