The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
