my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize