People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
