If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
