It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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