my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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