umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
