I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
