sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
