Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Also, beer. Big fan.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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