My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
