Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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