I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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