I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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