So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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