I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just gift wrapped bread.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Is Oprah even human
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
