If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
