Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
