I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
