the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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