Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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