He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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