it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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