I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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