Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
