we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
