a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
