Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
