and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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