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DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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