she woke up with a sticky ear
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
