I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
