You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
