2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
