Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
