I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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