there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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