I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
