Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
